I am there

I realized whenever I am tempted to write something which is too personal or close to me heart, I resort to writing "poems" or whatever you can call them. I am, like many others I guess, too afraid of ever letting out something too close in front of stranger eyes, often worrying that most of them would be indifferent eyes.

I often feel that I am a much better writer if I am able to make the audience a dispensable part of my writing. On another level, somewhere, deep down in my heart, I know that some day, (probably even posthumously..hehe) someone would be reading all the personal stuff that I have been writing since a number of years only for myself. And I have to confess that I want that to happen probably. It is a weird feeling.

I am writing all this (probably cryptic for many) stuff because someone recently said something really nice to me. People find themselves in other people's words sometimes. I hold onto words of many writers, many film directors and of many regular people too. For example, I strongly feel my entire life revolves around or can be summed up with this Haruki Murakami's line: "Chance encounters keep us going." And somewhere of these people makes a tiny or huge difference to my life. But the point is even if we are all alone , somewhere we are so deeply connected and many a times deeply connected to people we don't even ever meet.

I know there are many people out there like me who are sort of living an ambivalent life. On one hand, there is this deep desire to be loved which is the core or center of life and on the other hand, this feeling of extreme claustrophobia and detachment the moments someone tries to come too close. I have constantly suffered from this. I am not saying that its necessarily a bad thing. It is a weird kind if loneliness which sort of makes you take up a lot of interesting stuff when you are trying to ignore it or sometimes even trying to explore it...